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| BEST UK BLOG: New York doesn't have a Debenhams or Shirley Bassey |
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| BEST UK BLOG: Tiger Woods - that energy drink he's been advertising seems to work wonders |
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| BEST UK BLOG: order The Moaning Cow's new book from Amazon |
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| BEST UK BLOG: "house special please" |
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why I hate. . .
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| BEST UK BLOG: is it me, or is Simon Cowell's head square? |
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| BEST UK BLOG: visit The Moaning Cow youtube site showing the best tv ads in the world |
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| BEST UK BLOG: Putin out and about with his big rod - gay as a picnic basket |
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| BEST UK BLOG: be careful out there |
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| BEST UK BLOG: proud of the shit - prefix |
no sign of Shitterton Dorset residents
are so fed up with visitors stealing their village sign, they have clubbed together to buy a concrete one to be proudly placed
on top of the hill in Shitterton. This isn't the only place in Britain to proudly wear the Shit – prefix. There
is also Shittlehope and Shitlington Crags, but Shitterton is the only one to be firmly named after poo. Apparently the name
is derived from a river called Shiter - "a brook used as a privy". There is a very clean stream that now runs through
the village, but I guess that wasn’t always the case, hence the name. There is also a street in Lincolnshire called Fanny Hands Lane. Residents
there, say they’re sick of having their road sign pinched too. As it turns out it’s not a description. The street
is named after a woman who was actually called Fanny Hands. If you’re interested, there's a Butthole Road, that’s
not named after someone’s arse but a bore hole for water. Also Lickey End in Worcestershire with a Bell End just five
miles up the road. A Nob End near Bolton (enough said) and there’s a Twatt in the Orkneys. Puerile but somehow satisfying.
WEIRD PLACE NAMES
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| BEST UK BLOG: plymouth councillor hard at work |
talking of fannies Plymouth councillors spent
taxpayers’ money on a fact finding mission to a pole dancing club, and it wasn’t to get to know the local Eastern
European dance moves. I’d love to be in the meeting where they discussed such sex venues, and decided that it would
be essential to visit said clubs to make a more informed decision on local licensing laws. You could just about understand
one or two limp members, sheepishly going under cover to give a report back to the council, but they don’t do things
by half in Plymouth. Thirteen officials visited Temptations
2 during prime pole time.
Probably had clip boards to take notes and only drank fizzy water so they didn’t miss anything. They refused to say
how much all this cost, but they did say it was extremely worthwhile. I bet it was. I wondered how many of the councilors
were women?
PLYMOUTH COUNCIL
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| BEST UK BLOG: sarkozy's slush fund hidden under fromage baguette |
Sarkozy saved by a fromage baguette The
government is taking huge swathes of people out of the public sector because of our dicky finances and cutting anything that
stands still long enough. Whilst we are flagellating ourselves for having debt worse than Greece etc, President Sarkozy has none of these worries. He confidently declared this
month that France would meet its commitments to the EC to reduce its budget deficit to 3% of GDP by 2013. Non merde? Unemployment
in France is 10%, whilst ours is 8.3%. Debt to GDP is 62% here but 80% there. Meanwhile, we have 8 public holidays and French
workers have 13, not to mention the stupendous proportion of people that work in the public sector. So who is going to generate
all this dosh? Don’t panic, “we will be there” he insists. What I think he means is that the French people
will still be there, but voila he will have sodded off à la Tony Blair by then. Unless the country has a mountain of
cash hidden under a fromage baguette somewhere.
MADAME FROMAGE CHEESE SHOP
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| BEST UK BLOG: Jane Hill outs herself as an Abba fan (but also lives with Sara and dog Mavis) |
women wobble over sexual preferences Psychologists have just completed an exhaustive ten year study examining women’s
sexuality. Previously it was thought that us girls decided whether we preferred the opposite or same sex (or maybe both) before
our 20s, and then stuck to that preference for the rest of our lives. It concludes instead that women’s sexual orientation
is fairly settled but becomes more fluid and relaxed with age. Peer reviewed journals and esteemed scientists have debated
the issue. Obviously The Sun newspaper has picked up the story, and in a wonderful piece of over-simplification of what was
probably a 200 page report, used the headline “women in their thirties go lesbo”.
As a clinical synopsis it’s possibly not what the American Psychological Association had in mind.
PINK NEWS
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| BEST UK BLOG: distressed furniture achieved on one's gap yah |
shabby
chic And over to Sloane Square for a drinky celebration to commiserate with someone reaching their next
birthday. Well, it's not Hackney that's for sure. It seems
incredible that local residents buy hand-made furniture that has been purposely aged. Yes, aged. You can buy it in gorgeous little shops which don't
have tacky price tags and their doors are closed, (I actually think they're open really, but you need a written appointment
to go in.) Apparently they do some arty things to make garden chairs look like they've got a bit stressed (I'm told
that is the correct terminology). Must be a job creation scheme for the well spoken youngest child that's just come back
from their gap yah, and got a few months before they go to Oxford. If you come from the more fiscally challenged areas of
London, people generally leave their garden chairs in the back yard for a few days by accident, because an unplanned drinking
session spilled over from the kitchen and everyone was too drunk to rembember to bring them back in. Voila! Aged without the price tag and you've achieved a level
of stress too. Also, if you are keen on beautifully shaped rocks and sanded down driftwood and you've just won the EuroMillions,
pop over to Sloane Sqaure immediately. There's a huge selection.
GAP YEAR VIDEO
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| BEST UK BLOG: I've never voted Tory before |
proportional representation Now the budget is out of the way and swathes of agencies
and public sector bodies have been given their marching orders or at least told to cut down on luxuries such as first class
travel and nurses, the CamClegg brothers will have to have a look at PR. I am not quite sure how this works in practice, but
if you use the World Cup as an example, I think it means that even though Italy had the least points in their group and technically
came last, they actually scored more goals than Slovakia. If we use the CamClegg formula, they would in fact be through to
the next round and the Slovakia team would be on the plane home. Makes sense
to me.
MYNICKCLEGG.COM
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| BEST UK BLOG: the mullet at the height of its fame |
mullet spotted in Norwich
On a recent visit to Norwich,
it was heartening to see that the mullet haircut is still very much alive and well. It is a common misconception that this
wonderful hairstyle originated only a couple of decades ago, but this is completely untrue. It is clear that early mullet haircuts date back at least 4,000 years or so, as demonstrated by the Great Sphinx statue
in Egypt. Of course some of the original detail of the styling has been eroded over the years, but it is there for all to
see – the short hair at the front, the long flowing hair at the back and no sideburns. A permanent erection that vindicates
all those footballers from the 1980s.
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| BEST UK BLOG: effen on a plane |
effen vodka, anyone?
I hadn't heard of Effen Vodka before. I've never been that keen on brands that make a play on rude words,
like FCUK. Not sure why, but thought it was a bit common actually. But for some reason I quite like the use of Effen.
Going to a bar and saying "can I have one of your finest effen vodkas my man", appeals to my childest sense of humour.
It's a company based in Holland, which means they thoughtfully include a Dutch cap.
WELCOME TO EFFEN VODKA
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| BEST UK BLOG: John and Cath buy some cheese |
John and Cath buy some cheese Zacob Zuma, the South African president and all round polygamist,
was given the royal treatment recently. Coming over here to be fêted with state banquets, serious talks with the PM
and motorcades along with a
nice chat with the Queen. He
also wanted a trip around a Sainsbury’s store because they have strong
trading links with South Africa. So naturally, Hilary Benn, the environment secretary and Justin King, the supermarket's
chief executive, were on hand to parade Mr Zuma through one of it’s South London branches followed by an entourage of
dozens of flunkies. The
adulation and fuss, didn’t quite extend to 92 year old John Przeslawski and his wife Catherine, who were engrossed in
choosing a nice wedge of Double Gloucester at the deli
counter. With their backs firmly turned to the president and the minister in charge of cows and fishes, they were intent on
filling their shopping basket, so the entourage had to walk around them. Asked later if they had noticed Mr Zuma, the couple
replied: ''Who?''. John then thought he should explain - 'we didn't notice anybody, we were too busy
choosing our cheese.'' Quite.
JACOB SPEAKS OUT FOR POLYGAMY
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fool stop
According to The Times teachers. Are to be given a training manual on how to use a full stop the
manual, part. Of the National Literacy Strategy, aims. To teach basic grammar to teachers who many never have learnt it. At
school, it contains advice such as "verbs are very important, they tell you what is happening in a sentence". Remind
me whose fault it is that they can't write proper?
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| BEST UK BLOG: a prick in the uplands |
trouserless rambling A nudey campsite manager, Heinz Ludwig, has announced he aims to establish
Germany's first official naked ramblers' footpath. It’s 11 miles long and fully clothed ramblers would be free
to use the path too. As we all know, it would attract naturists to the Wippra area which is in the central German mountain
range. Heinz says “it’s a secluded area away from traffic, but is very overgrown in places". He wants to
open the trail in May, but he will need some funding to get it cleared. Well, you wouldn't
want to get a prick in the uplands when you weren't expecting it, would you?
THE NUDE HIKER BLOG
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| BEST UK BLOG: I appear to have cut my penis off |
nee naw nee naw Suzi Brent has just released a book called Nee Naw. She writes hilariously about the calls she has taken as a member of the ambulance control unit
– the people at the end of the phone when you dial 999 and ask for an ambulance. Pointless calls include someone who
rang to say there was a bee in their room and the classic “I’ve just had a dream that my friend has been shot.
I tried to ring him, but no one answered. Can you go round and make sure he’s ok?” One recurring theme is that people are scared to use
any words connected with death, and she gives examples of what callers have said on finding a dead body, including the remarkably
diplomatic “he’s not conscious . . . quite the opposite in fact”
to “she’s gone all black and smells bad” and “she’s purple - plus”.
Amongst her most memorable moments is a call that went as follows - Me:
Emergency ambulance, what’s the problem? Him: (In calm and friendly tone)
I think I need to go to A&E. I self-harmed yesterday. Me: (At this point
I am thinking “yesterday” and you want an ambulance now?) How old are you? Are you feeling violent? Do you have
any weapons? Him: I’m 38 and no I’m not feeling violent. Me: And when you self-harmed what did you do? (It's normally the arms) Him:
Well, I tried to cut my penis off. That's not a good thing is it? So I think I need to go to a hospital to get my penis
sorted out. And then I think I need some psychiatric help to make sure I don't do it again. Me: How
is your penis? Him: I think the
cuts are superficial. It's harder to cut off then you think, you know.
REAL LIFE DISPATCHES FROM AMBULANCE CONTROL
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Whitstable's woes What with threats of new terrorist attacks,
Obama declaring war on the bankers and the terrible earthquake in Haiti, it's kind of reassuring that The Whitstable
Times has reported a woman's washbag has been stolen. Keep things in proportion I say.
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at a
store near you Wal-Mart is a multi-billion pound organisation - well $340 billion annually to
be precise. It makes Tesco look like Somerfield, it’s that big. Wal-Mart is called Asda in the UK, and is the biggest
employer in the world followed by Indian Railways, the NHS, the US Army and McDonald's. So it’s fair to say
it’s truly huge, which pretty much sums up some of its customers. Remind me
not to wear pink again.
PEOPLEOFWALMART.COM
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