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if you would like
to pre-order the moaning cow's new book click here
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| UK BEST BLOG: Cadbury's - finally caught by the Curly Wurlys |
dairylea gobbles
up dairy milk
Wispa it quietly but I don’t want Kraft
to buy Cadbury’s, even though we all know it’s Crunchie time and going to happen. Old Mr Cadbury and his family
have been making chocolate since 1824. Originally (presumably) it was dark chocolatey type things, but now it’s a range
of products from Double Decker to Twirl and Picnic. It’s my childhood and I owe a number of fillings to the West Midlands
manufacturer. Most
financial commentators have explained the motives behind Kraft’s takeover, but all of them have fallen wide of the mark.
It’s obvious why they wanted to buy Cadbury and went out to grab them by the Curly Wurly’s.
I wish they’d given them the middle Finger of Fudge, but eventually the management have gone all Flakey and given in
to the value of their share options.
The reason? Kraft has cornered the market in triangle shaped things. Dairylea
triangles are as iconic as the pyramids and of course they own Toblerone. No holiday would be complete without buying one
of those giant bars in the airport when you’ve forgotten to bring any foreign presents home. Then they went out to buy
up the roundy circular confectionery market – think Oreo and Terry’s Chocolate Orange. Now for geometrical reasons
they need some square stuff in the portfolio, which means Dairy Milk as beloved by
Gorilla’s who play the drums.
See it’s obvious, they’ve cornered the market in triangle, round and
square stuff. Next stop – The Pentagon?
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| BEST UK BLOG: Jacko's look - just don't go there |
don't
do it
You wake up early to go to work, drag yourself
to the bathroom, squint in the mirror and your face looks like a screwed up paper bag. We all slap it about a bit,
have a shower, try to make it look better by applying some foundation but it doesn't really work. The problem is, you
used to look and feel about thirty and then all of a sudden you catch yourself in a shop window or a mirror in the
local restaurant and there's a middle age person staring back. It's a stranger,
not me. When did that happen?
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| BEST UK BLOG: Achieved using the best plastic surgery money could buy |
In your darkest moments, do NOT even think about plastic surgery. This is what happens and
these people had/have zillions and can employ the best people. We'd be using Mr Jones of Barnstaple Avenue, even if he
does have a white coat. In the unlikely event that it will look OK to start with, it all eventually drops and tries to erupt
its way out of your skin. Just accept that wrinkles give you character, and if you can't cope with that don't wear glasses in front of a mirror so you can't actually see what you look like.
Whitstable's
woes
What with threats of new terrorist attacks, Obama declaring war on the bankers and
the terrible earthquake in Haiti, it's kind of reassuring that The Whitstable Times has reported a woman's
washbag has been stolen. Keep things in proportion I say.
coming to an Asda near you (dear God)
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| BEST UK BLOG: the wonder of Wal-Mart 1 |
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| BEST UK BLOG: the wonder of Wal-Mart 2 |
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| BEST UK BLOG: the wonder of Wal-Mart 3 |
Wal-Mart
is a multi-billion pound organisation - well $340 billion annually to be precise. It makes Tesco look like Somerfield, it’s
that big. Wal-Mart is called Asda in the UK, and is the biggest employer in the world followed by Indian Railways, the NHS,
the US Army and McDonald's. So it’s fair to say it’s truly huge, which pretty much sums up some
of its customers. There has been a recent fad of taking photos of Wal-Mart shoppers, and whilst the Moaning Cow, a not naturally
slim example of her species, is loathe to endorse fatism (or just plain weirdness), I can’t help feeling a degree of
schadenfreude looking at the latest postings. What do you feel, other than "remind me not to wear
pink again"?
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| BEST UK BLOG: coffins to go |
Wal-Mart undercuts undertakers
Talking of Wal-Mart . . . At last. No more ringing up the dreaded black suited
caretaker to order your next coffin. You can now get one from Wal-Mart, by going on line. There’s a complete range,
from the reasonably priced £500 economy type model, up to something a bit more luxurious with nice satin padding inside.
You just click a few boxes, enter your credit card details and it’s dispatched in 48 hours.
Or, if you’re on your last legs and don’t give a bugger who picks up the tab when you’ve gone, Wal-Mart are advertising one
year’s interest free credit. Fantastic idea – another way to stuff the kids’ inheritance.
However, there is a down side. If you’re buying on behalf
of someone else and change your mind, or Aunty Brenda is starting to feel a lot better, there’s no returns policy. You’ll
just have to stick it in the garage and wait for a similar sized member of the family to go the way of the angels. Then of
course, there’s eBay if you’re desperate for the cash back.
Delivery could be a bit of a problem if there’s a postal strike and it
gets stuck at Mount Pleasant Sorting Office for a couple of weeks, but I guess they probably FedEx it anyway. Not quite sure what happens when it arrives at your house though, especially if you’re not
in. Also, if you’re going totally DIY, do you put the body in yourself and get a mate to lend you their Renault Espace
for the journey to the service?
I just thought that as Wal Mart
now owns Asda, that it won’t be too long before they’re on sale in store. Brilliant. Wheeling it to the check
out along with the frozen lasagne and toilet duck, patting your bum going “that’s Asda price”.
Helpful hint: Remember to take off the bar code and price tag, could look a bit naff at the
crematorium otherwise.
diabetic coma or not,
no one has my last rolo
the joy of (elderly) sex
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| BEST UK BLOG: over 50? you need help with sex |
Drugs, teenage pregnancy,
obesity, rundown streets, public transport - how do you decide how to prioritise public spending. It’s a tough one -
so it’s good to see Manchester City Council taking these things seriously and using our money wisely. They have just
spent £8,000 on a lovely 48 page guide to sex for the over 50s. When it comes to making love, most people like to think
they've got the hang of it by the time they hit 50, but MCC thinks we need urgent help in the bedroom. Witness these marvellous
photographs.
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| BEST UK BLOG: hold on love, I need to find me vacuum pump |
Amongst their top tips (and I promise this is true) is the classic; “try a new love-making position every night for a week and
burn 970 calories. Do it for a month and use up 4,780 calories. Who needs a bicycle!” and the very helpful; “vacuum
pumps are available to aid erection problems.” Tory MP Ann Widdecombe commented that; “I think this guide is an
incredible waste of money. If someone hasn't learnt how to have sex by the time they have turned 50 then a booklet is
certainly not going to help.” And she should know.
cheeky vimtos
replaced by hand gel
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| BEST UK BLOG: Friday night at Grimsby General |
A
Dorset prison has removed all hand gel after a prisoner drank it and got hammered, and no, I haven’t made that up. It
originally installed the alcohol based anti-bacterial gel to combat the spread of swine flu. They have
now removed it, because as their spokesman said “you don’t want drunk prisoners running around the prison”.
Quite. Apparently the same thing has happened in a hospital in Bournemouth,
but they’ve now removed the hand cleaning gel from reception areas in a bid to stop visitors
drinking it. I suppose with the credit crunch, the girls have cottoned on to the fact that they
can turn up with their mates to A&E, watch hospital tele for the evening and get drunk for free. Do you think they bring
their own peanuts?
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| BEST UK BLOG: ramblers on prick alert |
trouserless
rambling
A
nudey campsite manager, Heinz Ludwig, has announced he aims to establish Germany's first official naked ramblers'
footpath. It’s 11 miles long and fully clothed ramblers would be free to use the path too. As we all know, it would
attract naturists to the Wippra area which is in the central German mountain range. Heinz says “it’s a secluded
area away from traffic, but is very overgrown in places". He wants to open the trail in May, but he will need some funding
to get it cleared. Well, you
wouldn’t want to get a prick in the uplands, when you weren’t expecting it, would you?
I wanted to have a child,
not marry one
fool stop
According
to The Times teachers. Are to be given a training manual on how to use a full stop the manual, part. Of the National Literacy
Strategy, aims. To teach basic grammar to teachers who many never have learnt it. At school, it contains advice such as "verbs
are very important, they tell you what is happening in a sentence". Remind me whose fault it is that
they can't write proper?
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| BEST UK BLOG: Vladimir out and about with his big rod |
Putin goes camping!
More of those pictures of Putin baring his chest
and indulging in carefully staged Action Man photoshoots have been in the papers. The man is as gay
as a picnic basket.
brothers in arms
"We call on every Muslim . . . to comply with God's order to kill the Americans" Bin Laden edict,
Feb 1998
"God would tell me - George, go fight and end the tyranny in Iraq - and I did" George
W. Bush, Aug 2003
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| BEST UK BLOG: Bush and Bin Laden: "god told me to do it" |
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The person who coined the phrase
"as different as
chalk and cheese"
obviously hasn't tasted Tesco's camembert
give me all
the wine
and no one gets hurt
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| BEST UK BLOG: Thierry Henry's personal income has va va voomed |
2009
- the year of cheating
I’m a great believer in sport and the lessons it can teach
us all – events such as the Olympics rejoice in the grace, skill, dedication and sheer determination of human beings,
celebrating just how similar, as opposed to how different, we are. As a teenager I wasn’t keen on wearing thick blue elasticated
knickers
and an aertex white top, to run around in sub zero temperatures hitting a muddy ball with an upside down walking stick. But
enforced school PE (or whatever it’s called now), helps to develop team work, management skills, coping with injury
and pain and learning to lose as well as win.
I always thought sport was savagely noble and although pansy professional
footballers in particular, threaten that notion, the unsung heroes that are unearthed on things like Sports Personality of the Year, warm the heart. It also strikes me how meritocratic it is, because if
you’re the fastest, strongest, highest or simply the best, no-one can deny it, no matter what your colour, sexual orientation,
age, IQ or nationality. Except of course, tennis and polo where you won’t get on the team in the first place.
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| BEST UK BLOG: Tiger Woods - that energy drink he's been advertising seems to work wonders |
Professional sport in 2009 has been a huge let down. Formula One drivers being instructed
to crash on purpose and a rugby player bullied into faking a blood injury are just two examples. Perhaps too much money eventually
corrupts everyone involved, so that ways to cheat undetected are as well rehearsed as the physical training regime.
I’m not naïve enough
to think that professionals won’t try to get an edge wherever they can, but I’ve been really shocked about the
people who’ve been caught cheating in 2009. You expect Mike Tyson to bite someone’s ear off or Paul Gascoigne to nut a doorman
outside Wetherspoons,
but would you have bet on Lewis Hamilton, Tiger Woods and Thierry Henry cheating or lying outrageously on (or off) duty in
2009?
I was shocked because their nice boy images didn’t seem to be cultivated but genuine. Was there too much pressure
put on them by others, or is winning at all costs just too tempting, even for good guys? Whatever. They may have won everything
at sport but their product endorsement income, usually more than their sporting income, has va va voomed.
buying decisions
When we shop, the average time spent looking at an expensive item of clothing before buying is 22 minutes.
To be fair this is probably the time it takes a woman to ponder an important decision on the apparel front. It’s
not going to be a bloke when they’re considering a pair of trolleys, but whatever. So how long do you think on average
that we spend looking at a property before buying it? Obviously, for most people this is the most expensive buying decision
they will ever make, but apparently we only take 18 minutes. It’s a topsy turvy world.
a dog is for life,
not just for friday nights
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| BEST UK BLOG: The Queen with a 'hat' |
the Queen “smells of trees”
It’s official. We all sort of knew that Peter
Andre was a little bit dim, but now we know he’s bonkers too. Oh yes he is. If you were being interviewed by Heat magazine about a new perfume you had just launched, even if you were ridiculously
tired or drunk or drugged or bored or even in the first stages of Alzheimer’s (delete as applicable), would you ever
say this (and I quote):
“I saw a dog with three legs. It was walking with another
dog, but it looked to have more of a proper walk than the dog with four legs. And I thought; “does that dog need that
other leg?” I’m really confused because that dog looked more comfortable than the dog with four legs. It had this
kind of hip-hop walk about it – more of a swagger about it.”
If you wondered if this was
taken out of context, I don’t think you’ll find any excuses there. He wasn’t asked for his thoughts
on Crufts or his ex-wife for example. He was talking about his favourite smells and when asked what the Queen’s scent
would be, he said: “She would smell of trees, a very
woody smell. The bottle would be blue, like her blue blood, and the lid would look like a woody tree, or like one of her hats.”
The interviewer kindly typed in brackets afterwards – (he means her crown).
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| BEST UK BLOG: Nick Clegg inspires the party faithful - or not |
do you have what it takes to be party leader?
The party conferences have finished and an election is but a few
months away. There is much talk of the public getting more engaged in politics, especially after the expenses scandal when
so many of us have completely lost trust, not only with politicians but the system itself. David Cameron is determined to
get 'normal' people to be on MP selection lists, and he wants many more women and people from ethnic minorities too.
If you are remotely tempted by any of this and think "yes, politics needs me",
just study the above picture very very carefully.
just
a thought . . .
if you're going to open a new Chinese restaurant and night club, it might
be a good idea to call it something other than the golden stool.
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| BEST UK BLOG: "house special please" |
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| BEST UK BLOG: Stephen Fry lite |
thin
people look older
Stephen Fry is one of those English institutions. His slight porkiness is
as reassuring as his avuncular intelligence and gentle public schoolboy accent. He's a cuddly presenter and
sometime actor with an instantly recognisable face and voice. He clearly lives up to his name and has eggs and bacon
for breakfast not fruit and natural yogurt. Or used to, because recent pictures have shown him six stone lighter.
I know you're supposed to be healthier if you're slimmer, but when you get older most people look bloody
awful when they lose a lot of weight. They look a lot older too. I much prefer a Big Fry than Fry lite and anyhow big men are harder to kidnap. Go on Stephen, go out and treat yourself to a bag of chips.
dyslexics have more fnu
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| BEST UK BLOG: Yeltsin: "Mine's a double" |
a
pizza p*ss
Fantastic revelations about Boris Yeltsin, who in his time as Russian president
managed to record a good few incidents in front of camera looking a bit too jolly for a politician. No, I’m not amazed
that he had a late night drinking session, or that he was found wandering down the road in his underwear
outside the White House trying to find a cab so he could order a thin and crispy. What’s incredible,
is the newspaper reports, saying he managed to give dozens of Secret Servicemen (tasked with guarding him), “the slip”.
Well obviously that’s rubbish, because you can’t exactly sneak out if you’re a really big
bloke in y-fronts who’s pissed as a fart and can barely walk. With that sort of effective security I don’t hold
out much hope for Barack when someone tries a pop at him.
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| BEST UK BLOG: Simon Cowell - old square 'ead |
is it me or is the top
of Simon Cowell's
head, square?
drugs may be the road to nowhere but at least it's the scenic route
If you've ever been to Athens you will know the roads are constantly choked
with noxious fumes and mad car drivers, frantically trying to get through the traffic in unbearable heat. So congratulations
to the 35 year old man, who has just been arrested for growing 42 cannabis plants on the central reservation of the Athens-Salonika
motorway. David Blain couldn't even manage that.
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| BEST UK BLOG: a new meaning to 'motorway madness' |
jam today
More interesting signs from the financial
downturn - Hartleys sales have gone up 12% this year. Is it really so bad that people have gone back to having bread and strawberry
jam for tea?
why I hate call centres
. . . more
witches and turkey twizzlers .
. . more
a
chief scout for the people . . . more best ever tv ads?
Visit our famous You Tube site which has already clocked up over 1 million downloads click here
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| BEST UK BLOG: Cadbury's "gorilla" |
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| BEST UK BLOG: Guinness "dancing man" |
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alcohol doesn't solve any
problems, but then again
neither
does fizzy water
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