I have just come across a publication that deserves to be top of the best seller lists. It is hilariously and breathtakingly funny and it's updated every year. You don't generally read it from cover to cover, but you dip into it to unearth yet another golden nugget of information even funnier than the previous one. You won't be able to put it down, but you won't find it in Waterstones, and it's not written by an individual but a team of people who work in Teddington. You simply must get a copy.

It's a government publication, with a foreword by a Minister and best of all you don't have to pay for it, not even the postage and packing. You just order it and they send it to you free of charge. It's called "Working for a Safer World - the 23^rd Annual Report of the Home and Leisure Accident Surveillance System". It's published by the Department of Trade and Industry and it's absolutely brilliant, although I admit the title isn't very catchy. For short those in the know call it the HASS (Home Accident Surveillance System) or the LASS (Leisure Accident Surveillance System). I have to say that my preference is for the HASS, because it reveals what people do to themselves in and around their own homes.

I know that accidents in the home are a very grave issue, and that around six million people attend Accident and Emergency (A&E) units every year. Some of those visits will be very distressing and some result in death. But if I can share the more trivial aspects of this publication with you I know you too will fall about laughing (without injury hopefully).

First, the methodology is fantastic, can you imagine working in this team in Teddington? The HASS lot specifically, measure the number of accidents each year that have involved consumer products. They go to selected hospitals and presumably have a clipboard with tick boxes to fill in, and they chat to the person who has been injured and find out their age and gender etc. They get details of the accident itself including the circumstances, and the exact involvement of the product or article. Government funded, it's unbelievable isn't it, such fun?

They only use specially trained interviewers (trained not to giggle) who do this at peak times in A&E, and the HASS report is a synopsis of their findings each year. But before I get to the really interesting detail, there are some facts that are literally dead serious: Nearly 4,000 people die as a result of accidents in the home each year and many of these could be avoided. 57% are men and 43% involve a fall. 16% are due to accidental poisoning by drugs. 9% by drowning, suffocating or choking to death and 8% in a fire or as a result of a burn.

If you find that a sobering thought let's put it in context. You are nearly as likely to die in a road traffic accident as you are dying in an accident in the home (1 in 13,000). That's ten times more likely than being murdered and nearly twenty times more likely than dying in an air crash. And just in case you wondered you have a 1 in 10 million chance of dying as a result of a lightning strike, and a 1 in 14 million chance of winning the National Lottery with a single ticket. We need to be far more careful in the home, but . . .

The HASS publication helpfully breaks down the accident figures into product/article categories. To save you the bother I have selected just a few of my favourites. Each is a figure for the number of people in the UK, not who had an accident, but whose injury was sufficient enough for them to visit the A&E department of the hospital. Actual accidents involving these products will therefore be significantly higher.

The sneaking suspicion of sexual gratification is hard to ignore when you start dipping into the report. It's difficult to consider that 384 people had an accident with a thermos flask, 311 with a drinking straw, 183 with a salt, pepper or mustard pot, 128 with a shuttlecock, 110 with a chopstick and 55 with a poker, without these thoughts surfacing. There are hundreds more examples, but three others that are amongst my favourites include 402 with a "cork or bung only", 183 with a lollipop stick and 128 with a dustpan.

Whilst some of the above are quite surprising it is fairly obvious that the bathroom is a minefield. Baby changing is apparently fraught with difficulty with 658 people being harmed by the baby changing mat and 256 by a child's potty. But it's that question of unusual sexual practices which pops up again when you read that 951 accidents were due to a bath brush, loofah or toilet roll holder and yet only 219 involved a marital aid such as a vibrator. Personally I would rather admit I had an accident with a vibrator than a loofah, especially when talking to someone with a clipboard. Less reasoning can be applied to the 476 accidents concerning cotton wool or the 732 involving false teeth.

You might think that sitting down to write a letter or do your accounts is a safe bet, but it isn't. 293 people were injured by an eraser, the same number that hurt themselves with blu-tack. Elastic bands accounted for 402 visits to casualty and 37 were injured by their calculator. Getting dressed is also dangerous, as the following people will be able to attest; 9,639 accidents involved socks, tights or stockings, 3,695 involved trousers, 2,890 involved wellington boots, 1,280 involved a cardigan or pullover, 713 involved a button and 18 involved swimwear. I still can't help myself thinking that sex must have been a part of at least some of these statistics.

12,529 people were hurt by their own toilet, either by the pedestal, the seat, the chain or the cistern, whilst 9,840 were damaged by their telephone. Yet more defy any logic whatsoever. How can 311 people hurt themselves badly enough with a swing top bin to have to visit hospital? What were 293 people doing with foam rubber that could possibly hurt? 658 by grass cuttings? 549 by sellotape, 274 by a tablecloth or 238 by an oven glove? 1,134 had an accident with a bean bag, 128 with a coal scuttle, 55 with a pillow case, 55 with their pet fish and 37 with a tea cosy. Is this really about statistics that a career civil servant collects, or am I in a parallel universe?

If you want to wonder in awe at the antics of the general public in their own home for yourself, (and believe me the details are fascinating) order a copy or view the details on www.dti.gov.uk. It's addictive stuff.

© Sue Nelson 2005