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blog musings
just a few middle-age thoughts . . .
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| BEST UK BLOG: Yeltsin: "Mine's a double" |
a pizza p*ss Fantastic revelations about Boris
Yeltsin, who in his time as Russian president managed to record a good few incidents in front of camera looking a bit too
jolly for a politician. No, I’m not amazed that he had a late night drinking session, or that he was found wandering down the road in his underwear outside the White House trying
to find a cab so he could order a thin and crispy. What’s incredible, is the newspaper reports, saying he managed to
give dozens of Secret Servicemen (tasked with guarding him), “the slip”. Well obviously that’s rubbish,
because you can’t exactly sneak out if you’re a really big bloke in y-fronts who’s pissed
as a fart and can barely walk. With that sort of effective security I don’t hold out much hope for Barack when someone
tries a pop at him.
BORIS'S MOST EMBARRASSING VIDEO MOMENTS
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| BEST UK BLOG: Nestle Kit Kat with corn |
corn flavoured Kit
Kat anyone? Western companies are adept at catering to the tastes of Japanese consumers, who are not so keen on sweet
or meaty products like us. For example, McDonald's sells Filet-O-Shrimp burgers
and Pepsi sell a cucumber-flavoured soft drink to cater for local tastes. But no one takes the chocolate
biscuit like Nestlé. They own the best selling confectionery brand in Japan – the world famous Kit Kat. They have recently upped
the ante by creating 19 unique flavours, although sadly (perhaps) they are only available in Japan. Besides the regular chocolate
variety, they have come up with other flavours such as miso, soy sauce, green beans, sweet potato and baked corn.
CALORIES IN A KIT-KAT
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| BEST UK BLOG: Cadbury's grabbed by the curly wurlys |
dairylea gobbles up dairy milk Wispa it quietly but
I don’t want Kraft to buy Cadbury’s, even though we all know it’s Crunchie time and going to happen. Old
Mr Cadbury and his family have been making chocolate since 1824. Originally (presumably) it was dark chocolatey type things,
but now it’s a range of products from Double Decker to Twirl and Picnic. It’s my childhood and I owe a number
of fillings to the West Midlands manufacturer. Most financial commentators have explained the motives behind
Kraft’s takeover, but all of them have fallen wide of the mark. It’s obvious why they wanted to buy Cadbury
and went out to grab them by the Curly Wurly’s.
I wish they’d given them the middle Finger of Fudge, but eventually the management have gone all Flakey and given
in to the value of their share options. The reason? Kraft has cornered the market in triangle shaped
things. Dairylea triangles are as iconic as the pyramids and of course they own Toblerone. No holiday would be complete
without buying one of those giant bars in the airport when you’ve forgotten to bring any foreign presents home. Then
they went out to buy up the roundy circular confectionery market – think Oreo and Terry’s Chocolate Orange.
Now for geometrical reasons they need some square stuff in the portfolio, which means Dairy Milk as beloved by Gorilla’s who play the drums. See it’s obvious, they’ve
cornered the market in triangle, round and square stuff. Next stop – The Pentagon?
CURLY WURLY FACEBOOK FAN PAGE
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| BEST UK BLOG: coffins to go |
Wal-Mart
undercuts undertakers At last. No more ringing
up the dreaded black suited caretaker to order your next coffin. You can now get one from Wal-Mart, by going on line. There’s
a complete range, from the reasonably priced £500 economy type model, up to something a bit more luxurious with nice
satin padding inside. You just click a few boxes, enter your credit card details and it’s dispatched in 48 hours. Or, if you’re on your last legs and don’t
give a bugger who picks up the tab when you’ve gone, Wal-Mart are advertising
one year’s interest free credit. Fantastic idea – another way to stuff the kids’ inheritance. However, there is a down side. If you’re buying on behalf of someone else
and change your mind, or Aunty Brenda is starting to feel a lot better, there’s no returns policy. You’ll just
have to stick it in the garage and wait for a similar sized member of the family to go the way of the angels. Then of course,
there’s eBay if you’re desperate for the cash back. Delivery
could be a bit of a problem if there’s a postal strike and it gets stuck at Mount Pleasant Sorting Office for a couple
of weeks, but I guess they probably FedEx it anyway. Not quite
sure what happens when it arrives at your house though, especially if you’re not in. Also, if you’re going totally
DIY, do you put the body in yourself and get a mate to lend you their Renault Espace for the journey to the service? I just thought that as Wal Mart now owns Asda, that it won’t be too
long before they’re on sale in store. Brilliant. Wheeling it to the check out along with the frozen lasagne and toilet
duck, patting your bum going “that’s Asda price”. Helpful hint:
Remember to take off the bar code and price tag, could look a bit naff at the crematorium otherwise.
WALMART COFFINS ON LINE
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| BEST UK BLOG: sex and booze on ice |
sexual athletics The Winter Olympics is a curious affair - hurtling along in the snow on a tea tray,
getting a medal for using a broom, walking on long skis across snow drifts only to suddenly lie down and shoot something
with a rifle. All a bit weird. Given the above you can see why you may have to drink a lot in order to live in this parallel
world. Well you wouldn’t be wrong. The Canadian media has dubbed the recent Olympics, “the drunkest Olympics
ever”, with Vancouver turned into a constant street party for two weeks. The Canadian women’s ice hockey team
celebrated with a huge bout of underage drinking on the ice, and the local hoteliers, restaurateurs and bar owners couldn’t
believe there luck. But the event should really have been called the sex Olympics. Apparently the Olympic Village
supplied 14,000 free condoms, and the allocation ran
out quicker than you could say Bob’s your sleigh. A Norwegian skier called Bjorn claimed he didn’t win a medal
because he was watching too much porn the night before.
BARFBLOG HOCKEY WOMEN
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| BEST UK BLOG: Lady GaGa does cheesestrings on ice |
lady gagouda I’m not particularly fazed by Lady GaGa’s
stage costumes, or that she’s clearly bonkers, but the fact she orders cheese served on ice in between performances
is a real worry. Champagne on ice, caviar on ice - yes, but I cannot think of any cheese that should be served on ice. Camembert?
Non. Stilton or cheddar? No way. Perhaps cheesestrings, but I don’t actually think they have any cheese in them. What
does Lord GaGa think about all this?
LADY GAGA ADDRESSES HERMAPHRODITE RUMOURS
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| BEST UK BLOG: bananas are so last year, Gordon |
the banana and the chambermaid
In the old days (we’re talking the mid-1800s), Prime Ministers such as Lord Palmerston could literally
get away with anything. He fancied the life of a parliamentarian, and so he paid £1,500 to be the Tory MP for Horsham
– a slight twist on the use of expenses. Four years later his guardian arranged for him to be appointed Lord of the
Admiralty even though he was only 25. I’m not sure how, but he soon became Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs. Queen
Victoria couldn’t stand him. This was perfectly reasonable given that as a guest of hers at Windsor Castle, he broke into the bedroom of one of her ladies-in-waiting and tried to have his
wicked way with her. She valiantly fought him off. Despite this, and the worrying fact that he was famed for wearing rouge in parliament, he became Prime Minster
for a number of years, refusing to retire even though he was 81. Eventually he died of a heart attack, bravely, some might
say, attempting to mount a chambermaid on top of a billiard table at Brocket Hall. These days
the press trawl through every expense receipt, Palace aides anonymously leak indiscretions and chambermaids have camera phones.
It’s unfortunate then, that the non-media friendly, unphotogenic (not an actual word) and technophobic Gordon Brown
is a PM in the digital age. The poor old thing must wish he was back in another century, where no member of the public would
have known about his famous brooding, lack of social skills and temper tantrums. And the latest revelation from the ever intrusive
press? The Sun reckons Gordon is scoffing nine bananas a day to
stop him eating so many KitKats. Sarah’s banned them because he's fighting against the leaner, younger
and better looking David and Nick, or Dick as I fashionably prefer to co-term them. I know that we don’t think the
collective Dick are remotely gorgeous, although they both clearly think they are, but this is
politics so it’s all relative– think Ann Widdecombe and Michael Foot as average in the Westminster village looks
department. But back to bananas. The Sun’s resident doctor (yes they do have one) reliably informs readers that it's
not a good idea to eat nine bananas a day because too many cause bloating and wind, not withstanding looking like a prize
chimp if you’re caught with one (see Milliband ‘nana error above).
BROWN DUMPS BANANAS FOR KIT-KATS
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| BEST UK BLOG: Nick inspires the party faithful. Or not |
don't even go there The party conferences have finished and an election
is but a few months away. There is much talk of the public getting more engaged in politics, especially after the expenses
scandal when so many of us have completely lost trust, not only with politicians but the system itself. David Cameron is determined
to get 'normal' people to be on MP selection lists, and he wants many more women and people from ethnic minorities
too. If you are remotely tempted by any of this and think "yes, politics needs me",
just study the above picture very very carefully.
GUARDIAN QUIZ – COULD YOU BECOME AN MP?
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| BEST UK BLOG: Amy Winehouse is looking much better (oh yes she is) |
tits
and tinsel dominate Amy's week I must say Amy is
looking a lot better in the last few weeks. However, that’s in the context of her consistently looking like she was
going to die of a drug overdose or alcohol poisoning any minute. Putting on a little weight and having a boob job, has helped
her look a lot less like a Saturday night admission to A&E. But even that has gone a bit pear shaped - literally apparently,
as one of her friends helpfully told the Daily Mirror; “she saw something oozing out on to her top. She was worried,
as to see stuff seeping out, was horrible.” I'm sure Katie Price can give her a bit of advice on leaky implants.
Usually Amy is spotted visiting a corner shop in Camden buying tattoos or roll-ups, but has now caused a sensation by going
to Selfridges. Reports in the very reliable Daily Star, said she was in the up-market store for six hours buying christmas
decorations. The Moaning Cow has tried hard to work out how you could do this. Is there that much christmassy stuff to look
at? How did she refrain from smoking for that long? So many questions. Her total
tinsel (et al) haul was £18,000 and she didn’t even buy a tree. THE WORST PICTURE OF AMY WINEHOUSE EVER
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| BEST UK BLOG: the team in hard training for the Torquay Allotment Association Show |
front line of the veg wars
Having begun to grow the odd vegetable in the back garden (and I mean very odd), I have been most concerned
about reports from the front line of the veg wars. From the twitching of newspapers I'm clearly not the only commuter
in Coach C who is worried about their prize tubers whilst away working in the smoke. It could happen to anyone. So, just as
you're nodding off to sleep tonight, spare a thought for the allotment owners of Torquay. They are staying up all night
on vigilante patrol, to try to capture a saboteur amongst the brassicas. It’s veg wars with avengeance after someone
has dismembered their prize veg, squashed their squash, beaten their beets and killed their flowers with weed killer. This
is serious organic
abuse and the police have been called, surmising that a 5 inch spike
has been used. You’ll be pleased to know however, that two of the men who were targeted, still won prizes at the Torquay
Allotment Association Show. Phew!
HOW TO GROW BIG VEGETABLES
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| BEST UK BLOG: all that glitters is not gold |
the face cloth story Please
don't read this account of a working Mum (it's nobody I know and no, it's not me) if you are easily offended .
. . "I was due for a smear test with the doctor on a Thursday. Two days before, on the Tuesday, I received a call from
the doctor's surgery to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that very morning at 9.30am. I had only just packed everyone
off to school, and was about to go to work, but didn't have any meetings until lunchtime, so I though I would get it over
and done by, so I said that would be OK. It was already 8.45am though, and the trip to the surgery took about 35 minutes,
so I didn't have any time to lose. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort
over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to have time for a shower. So I rushed
upstairs, threw off my clothes and had a quick wash in the 'inspection area', with a wet facecloth. I then chucked
it in the washing basket, put on some clean clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the
waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, I hopped up on the table, looked over at
the other side of the room and pretended I was some place else. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "my, we
have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond as generally speaking, I
don't like conversations when my legs are in the air. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of
relief and went into the office as normal. Don't have to do that for another three years. When I got home after picking
up my seven year old daughter, she went off to make some pictures and later called out from the bathroom, "Mummy, where's
my face cloth?" I told her to get another one from the airing cupboard. She replied "no, I need the one that was
on the sink, it had all my glitter saved inside it". Never going back to that doctor again. EVER!"
back to turkey twizzlers Over the last couple of years much progress has been
made in raising awareness of local food, and getting the public to be more inquisitive about where their food comes from and
how it’s produced. All that campaigning by St Jamie of Oliver and Hugh Whearnley Fittingstall (as I like to call him)
really started to have an affect – the hen was mightier than the sword.
Sales of factory-produced, chemically-laden, crap products masquerading as food were dented and we felt good about our new
found ethics. But now we're all skint, things have changed, so it’s back to the 4p sausage, turkey twizzlers
and Korean pork with a vengeance.
THE OFFICIAL TURKEY TWIZZLERS FACEBOOK PAGE
wookey witch It was widely reported in all the daily newspapers that Wookey Hole in Somerset advertised
a job for a Witch at £50,000 a year. The applicant was successfully appointed this month. She (were they allowed to
discriminate against men?) had to be able to cackle and not be allergic to cats. Do you think that the
recruitment drive was a witch hunt? Ha ha! And I wondered what sort of questions they
asked at the job interview?
KEVIN CARLYON, HIGH PRIEST OF BRITISH WHITE WITCHES
last will and testament Some
people use their last will and testament to achieve their final five minutes of fame by getting back at those they’ve
left behind. Three particular favourites include: The New York hotel magnate Leona Helmsley, better known as the "Queen
of Mean", left $12 million of her $8 billion estate to her Maltese terrier Trouble. Meanwhile, two of her four
grandchildren got nothing. American housewife Mary Kuhery left her husband $2 as long as he promised
to spend at least half of it on a rope with which to hang himself. In 1960, Samuel Bratt’s wife never
allowed him to partake of a cigarette in his own home or garden, he was determined to get even with her when he died. He left
her £330,000 (the equivalent of millions today), provided that she smoke five cigars every day. Ah! Bless.Wonder
what Jordan, Max Mosley, David Beckham and Amy Winehouse have in theirs?
why don’t famous people live in Liverpool? It’s great to see that Liverpool has kicked off as European Capital of Culture (which it rather bizarrely
shares with Stavanger in Norway), especially as the launch seems to have gone rather well. Liverpool’s public sector
penchant for budget overspends and political in-fighting, almost torpedoed the whole project until
Phil Redmond arrived to bang a few heads together. The city’s brand has been built
on the strength and unity of its people in times of adversity. It’s therefore a legitimate marketing tactic to focus
on the wit and strength of its residents. There is no doubt that Liverpool has stunning architecture and an incredible history,
but so have lots of cities in the UK. The Liverpool experience is about who you meet, not what you see. There lies the differentiator
and it should be more evident in the media relations strategy. Unfortunately the Capital of Culture’s marketing has
focussed on famous scousers rather than ‘real’ people, and the problem with
parading Ringo, Paul, Cilla and even Cherie Blair, is that they all live in Surrey, Sussex or London. Their comments on the wonders of Merseyside just don’t ring true when all viewers want to say is “well,
why don’t you live there then?”
FAMOUS PEOPLE FROM LIVERPOOL |
